Today has been an internal battle, with repeating thoughts that I can't handle this project and that I need to leave and escape to a safe retreat. I went back to bed for a couple of hours after breakfast because I just couldn't face the day. Here is what it looks like:
The drawing came out prettier than I felt - I think perhaps the blues should have been greys, but in the moment I was drawn to grasp the blue pastels. The pink up-and-down mimics my internal ups and downs, one moment feeling positive and a part of something, the next feeling absolutely alone and without anything meaningful to offer.
A detail -- some of the conflict in direction - can I grasp onto the positive energy, or will I collapse inward?
One of the positive things I got to do today was borrow a car to go to the nearby town and explore a little bit. I went to an awesome nursery/tackle/feed store and got some interesting, articulate interviews with the owner and her children. I also had a fun conversation with the owner of the town's grocery store, in which he described how Hayden is special because everyone knows everyone else, and you can feel safe about your kids walking around because you know everyone cares about them.
Here is my impression of the drive from ranch to town, several steps removed from reality:
Just my remembered vision of the road, the farms, the grasses and some herds of cows.
That's about it for today. Oh, one more positive note - I worked with the other artists and the daughter of the ranch managers to move a huge pile of trimmed cottonwood tree branches from where we'd left them in the middle of the garden to the graveyard for discarded leftovers behind the barn. It was hard physical work, and the cooperative effort helped me want to be awake for the rest of the day.
One of the positive things I got to do today was borrow a car to go to the nearby town and explore a little bit. I went to an awesome nursery/tackle/feed store and got some interesting, articulate interviews with the owner and her children. I also had a fun conversation with the owner of the town's grocery store, in which he described how Hayden is special because everyone knows everyone else, and you can feel safe about your kids walking around because you know everyone cares about them.
Here is my impression of the drive from ranch to town, several steps removed from reality:
1 comment:
I just saw your Sept 3 second blog entry, the one with the depictions of your feelings shown in soft pastels of blue and pink, with the energy/direction arrows showing conflict, you say - - I really liked it!
The palette is cool, soothing, calm, very positive and contemplative despite the turmoil you say it represents -- this seems a rational depiction of your feelings - - and using cool, calm colors and images to depict your feelings, rather than the dark tones most often used by others for this exercise, seems very constructive, shows a lot of control and, as I said, contemplation and control. It also happens to be a lovely art-work.
I liked the drive into town piece also, and your discussion. It's a real accomplishment that you were confident enough to borrow a car and drive there yourself. That shows a return to your initiative and control. - - - and then you produced a piece in soft, soothing, calm colors and images.
For me at least, these have been the most interesting, insightful, positive, valuable work you've done in awhile. This retreat seems to be working well for you, though of course you are still having the panic/blue period attacks that keep you in bed in the morning. Hopefully those will subside soon, although the work you are doing in combatting them may become your best ever!
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